Legends #6: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a former bodybuilder, former model, former actor, former governor of California, former politician, former husband of Maria Shriver and a complete and total and absolute undisputed fucking epic mega legend.

Born in Thal, Austria on July 30, 1947 to a former SS Officer, you might have thought that Arnold wasn't an obvious candidate for president of the United States but this didn't prevent him from pursuing that job anyway. After all, he is a brilliant, sensitive man known for his gentle dulcet voice, mastery of English, and the subtle sophistication of his humour. Obviously he should have pursued office.

His meteoric rise to fame can be traced to 1967 when he won the Mr Universe title. He also went on to win Mr Olympia seven times. After leaving his career bodybuilding, Arnie decided instead to become one of the world's best actors. He was eminently qualified to be so regarded playing such challenging roles as a huge silent robot with no emotions and a poor grasp of English, Arnie is also known for his subtlety, quick wit and is thus widely regarded as one of the greatest living thespians.

To his credit he did go on to star is some great movies including Predator, True Lies, The Running Man, Red Heat, Commando, Raw Deal, Last Action Hero, Conan the Barbarian, some of the best movies ever made: Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day and Total Recall and some of the worst movies ever made: Hercules in New York, Twins, Junior and Batman & Robin.

In 2003 Arnold decided it was high time that he left his movie career behind and focused on more important matters like his lifelong dream of being president of the United States. To this end he became governor of California and has on occasion been praised for his forward-looking political views, especially his admiration for Adolf Hitler and modest desire to be a dictator (neither of which he made any secret about in Pumping Iron).

After leaving office earlier this year having failed in his quest to get the American Constitution amended so he could take over the country, Arnie decided to return to acting. Things seemed to be going well until the recent scandal broke. I have to say that being a life long fan of this man, I do in recent days feel slightly disillusioned. Not because he cheated so much because lets face it, everyone knew Arnold was a philandering womanising bastard long before the recent love child scandal. I feel disillusioned because he fathered that child with someone who is quite probably the ugliest woman alive. And this is how we know he never became a true Kennedy despite marrying JKF's niece because JFK at least cheated on his uber hot wife with even hotter women like Marilyn Monroe. Arnold on the other hand cheated on Maria Shriver with a woman called Mildred Baena.

It was once also reported by a woman who worked with him who has alleged that, one day on set, she went to fetch Schwarzenegger from his trailer when a shot became possible earlier than expected, only to discover him performing oral sex on a woman she didn't recognize. He looked up and explained: "Eating isn't cheating."

It's difficult to know exactly what Arnie said to Maria when he realised their marriage was about to end, however it could have been any one of the following things:

• "It has to end heah."
• "Consider dat a divorce."
• "Talk to da hand"
• "what the FACK did I do wrong!?!"
• "You should clone yourself... so you can go fuck yourself."
• "I'm not a pervert. I was just looking for Turbo Man doll."
• And of course, "Hasta la vista, baby!"

I suspect that Mildred Baena is only going to be the first of many women to come forward admitting they had an affair with Arnold. I seriously think before long it will emerge that Arnie is actually an Austrian reincarnation of Genghis Khan. Can you actually imagine how fucking epic this scandal would have been if he'd been president? Legendary. Is there even any doubt?