Legends #5: Ted Haggard

Ted Haggard is a heterosexual, non gay, crystal meth using, creationtard pastor and head of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado. And a legend.

Haggard once made a very lucrative living from preaching about the evils of homosexuality and selling places in heaven. After a year long hiatus during which time Haggard temporarily transferred careers and instead encouraged people to invest in pyramid schemes, Haggard returned to his career selling places in heaven. He is not gay.

His legend status is tenuous but he did manage to cause one of the biggest scandals in the history of the American church and simultaneously piss off at least 25 million people. Which kind of makes him a legend. He isn't gay.

In November 2006, it emerged that despite not being gay and like most straight people do, Haggard had had a three year relationship with escort and masseur Mike Jones. But is not gay.

As a consequence of his extra-marital affair, the church took quite a financial hit costing 44 people their jobs. There are also the people whose eternal souls will not be saved as a consequence of them turning away from Jesus in light of the hypocrisy shown. Despite all this, Ted Haggard is definitely not gay.

Like most loving Christians, his flock turned the other cheek as Jesus taught them and exiled Haggard from the state of Colorado. He was allowed to return a year later. During his exile Haggard underwent therapy and came to terms with not being gay but pointed out that he was now a "heterosexual with issues".

Interview with Richard Dawkins

Haggard was once interviewed by Richard Dawkins on the subject of evolution. A visibly exasperated Dawkins tried to correct some of the fundamental creationist misconceptions Haggard held but found it like trying to teach algebra to a gerbil. Haggard suggested that Dawkins should be less arrogant about his learning and that he wasn't arrogant because he "knows so much more". But apparently isn't gay.

Accommodation

Haggard lives very modestly in a hovel, worth $715,000.

Ted Haggard gives some advice on why you shouldn’t be gay