The art of the Troll

pictured above: not me

By nature, I'm a troll.  Not that kind of troll.  Granted, I'm overweight, hairy and have a big nose, nor am I cute and have brightly coloured hair (ahem).

No, I'm talking about the internet phenomenon known as trolling. Urban dictionary describes a troll as:

One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument

This kind of internet trolling isn't my bag.  I'm far more into trolling in person; mostly to cold callers, cold knockers (not chilled boobs, people who knock on your doors unexpectedly), and to idiots with clipboards in town centres.

closer, but still not me

Today, I have successfully trolled 2, count'em 2 paid charity fundraisers, Friends of the Earth, and the British Heart Foundation.  Not because I don't agree with their aims and objectives, but because I object talking to hypocritical students who are getting paid to convince people to donate their money!

These hypocrites tell me that I should spend my money on the charities that spend their money on fundraisers? Do these people have no sense of irony?!?  The Peon from the Friends of the Earth informed me (as if it mattered) that his wages don't come from the charity, but from GiftAid Donations.  So the Tax that I have ALREADY PAID is refunded to the Charities on top of MY DONATIONS, and this extra slice of money for the charities is spent on these hairy, smelly students with their unwashed hair and baggy trousers telling me that I need to give them money?

I'll admit that I don't give as much to charity as I'd like.  It is a personal aim of mine to donate more money to charity this year than I did last year.  This is an ongoing New Years Resolution that I'm getting better at keeping.

So anyway, my favourite method of dealing with cold callers is this:  Listen to them.  Answer questions, and appear as very interested in whatever they are peddling as possible.  More advanced trolls may set themselves a time limit and try to beat it.  Once you've had enough (I can't usually beat 5 minutes, no matter how hard I try), simply inform them you've been wasting their time.  You see, their job is simply about numbers; the more people they talk to, the more likely they'll get a lead.  So, if you eat up 5 or 10 minutes of their time, you may have saved 20 people the trouble of talking to them.  You see? Well, when you tell them this, their faces are a picture!

Now we're talking!